Meat-free casserole recipe

Our new favourite winter warmer, which we had as tonight’s evening meal. Try it. You will need:

  • can of chopped tomatoes
  • can of pinto beans
  • can of butter beans
  • diced onions
  • carrots
  • parsnips
  • potatoes
  • swede
  • 2 pints vegetable stock (we used Swiss bouillon powder)

We have used haricot beans, cannellini beans and chick peas in previous versions of our vegetarian casserole. Most beans seem to work well and are an excellent substitute for beef. Their taste and texture are superb.

Quantities and types of the vegetables can be varied according to taste and number of people you are serving. We make enough so that we can reheat it a couple of days later — something to look forward to!

Today, we added a spoon or two of sun-dried tomato puree. And we also added a chopped courgette to the mix, plus a handful of split red lentils to thicken and add extra flavour. Oh, and some garlic; we use Asda’s own brand ‘easy garlic’, which comes ready-prepared in a jar, but you can buy whole cloves and prepare your own if added authenticality is a big deal for you. (We have done in the past but have found little difference.)

Finally we added a bouquet garni. If you don’t have one, please do not cheat by throwing in a tea bag: it will not work. Sprinkle some herbs in instead. Basil, for example; you can never go wrong with basil.

After seven hours or thereabouts in the slow cooker, all that was needed was dumplings.

Now, what could be easier to make than that? Excellent noms indeed.

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Forget smoker’s toothpaste. Just get a set of smoking teeth.

Necessity, as some fool once said, is the mother of invention. And so, on that basis, the humble wire brush could be repurposed (reinvented, if you like) as a simple way to polish nicotine stains from dentures. True, several toothpolishes are already on the market that claim to be capable of removing such blemishes. Some customers, though, are more demanding than others.

For those who would shy away from such wonders as the wire brush, however ( and I can’t think why; you are supposed to clean dentures with them out of your mouth, you know) Shana and I came up with an ingenious solution. Whenever a smoker requires a set of dentures, they should specify two sets: one for best and one for use when indulging their habit. Thus, like smokers in the 1920s and 1930s, who would don that quaint item of apparel, the smoking jacket (just imagine, if you’re a twenty-a-day smoker, what an inconvenience it must have been to have to get changed so many times a day), smokers with less than a full complement of gnatural gnashers could simply pop in their special smoking teeth and puff away without having to worry about stains at all.

Great invention, huh? If any patent lawyers are out there reading this (especially if you work cheap or preferably pro bono) contact me now. Smoking teeth could make us a fortune. What say we split the profits 70/30? Deal?

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Christmas 2010: the Good, the Bad and the Quality

Another Christmas has come and gone and maybe it’s my imagination, but Christmas telly gets worse every year, with few exceptions. Cars was brilliant. Its plot was simple enough, but strong characters made it an engrossing film; we plan to go out tractor tipping just as soon as the weather improves, and we shall, of course, keep a keen eye out for Frank.

This year’s Doctor Who Christmas ‘special’ was, like last year’s, far from special. Unoriginal, dull and featuring the screeching voice of Katherine Jenkins, it made choking on Christmas chicken bones look like an attractive option. This does not bode well for the next series of what is fast becoming referred to in our house as Doctor Who Cares?

Thank goodness, then, for Christmas lunch, which this year comprised a Quorn family roast, carrots, peas, roast potatoes, stuffing and — cue fanfare — sprouts; Dotsey readers are advised to stand upwind of us (well, me anyway) for at least the next three days. Once again, Shana’s cooking skills were spot on. As for my table-laying prowess, let’s just say that if it were an Olympic sport, I’d have a huge haul of putty medals and wooden spoons by now (whoops, there goes another fork!). Seriously, though, all went without a hitch. Now all we have to do is trudge our way through a whole tin of Quality Street. I have, however, hidden the orange cremes…and I’m not saying where.

Filters: the healthy way to smoke

The post has been a bit slow recently. Not unusual for the festive season and not especially surprising, given the recent wintery weather. Still, when the price of stamps goes up next April, no doubt the Royal Mail will improve hugely. They might even manage to deliver a second-class letter faster than one we received this week, which had taken ten days to reach us. (Note to self: must check how far Blackburn actually is from Lincoln, to see if sheer distance might explain the delay.)

Shana was most relieved to have at last received the Crafe Away filters she’d sent for. She has found them a huge help in her efforts to reduce her smoking.

“Now I can enjoy my cigarettes healthily again,” she beamed — and promptly disappeared in a cloud of smoke, leaving me not only to find out the distance to Blackburn but also whether Shana’s definition of healthy might require a new addition to the English dictionary.

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Heston Blumenstrange’s weird wecipes, part deux

Top chefs have some unusual ideas. I heard of one who invented a Christmas pudding with — get this — a whole orange hidden in the middle. How’s that supposed to work then? It’d explode, surely. Or maybe I should’ve paid more attention to science when I was at school…

Traditional pudding

Anyhow, here’s my take on the festive pud. Never mind diddy little oranges. I’ve gone for a much bigger treat. Mine has a whole pineapple hidden inside. Here’s how it compares to a traditional Christmas pudding. I think you’ll like the effect, the way mine has a kind of punk rocker hairdo aesthetic about it. Careful though: get too close and it could have your eye out!

Pineapple inside

Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey

Forget Jingle Bells and Bing ‘Old Fart’ Crosby’s White Christmas. This beats ‘em all, hands down. Altogether: hee-haw, hee-haw!

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